Nightmares

Nightmares, we all have them occasionally, they usually scare us no matter what, mine don't, I think my nightmares are becoming my reality. I always have this same nightmare, here it goes.

In my dream, I'm this lost puppy, who is found by some random, yet pretty, girl, she's this girl who I've never seen before, I didn't know this girl, she wasn't part of my life in anyway, most likely a projection of my imagination. She takes me to her home, giving me the same gestures any girl would to a small puppy "oh, you’re so cute, who's a good puppy?" So things seem great, being a puppy that's getting pampered by a hot girl, right? Wrong, in the evening she was getting ready for some party, after she got ready she told me "you know, it would be great to show you off to all my friends tonight". So then she put me in a cage, and took the cage (with me in it of course) and then we walked to the party which was a block away from her house, she just walked into the house, going into the living room and said "hey everyone, look what I found this afternoon". She then placed the caged puppy me in the middle of the living room floor, and guess what? Everyone I knew, every person from my school, my closest friends, acquaintances, people I see at school but don't talk or hang out with, friends of friends, all circling around me, hysterically laughing, pointing fingers at me. Then all of the sudden, I transform from a caged puppy to my normal human self, wearing ripped clothes, chained to a wooden board, and everyone started throwing tomatoes at me, but not just tomatoes, they started throwing cups filled with beer at me, the DJ thought it would be funny to throw his equipment at me, one girl had the drunk guts to even throw a whole bottle of Vodka at me. It then came to the point where I was drenched in my own blood and everyone's alcohol, and then that girl who found me as a lost puppy then had a lighter in her hand, turned it on, threw it to the ground, and set the whole house on fire, with everyone I knew running out of the party. I was too numb and weak to even feel the pain of being burned or to escape, I was just hanging there, chained to a wooden board, letting myself corrode until I was mere ash. 

I've had three other renditions of this dream:


1. The burning of me happened on the dance floor of a school dance, it was Halloween, everyone one was dressed in weird costumes which I failed to even remember, while I was burning, they were all singing this drunken lullaby and circling around my burning corpse with cheer. 

2. I was at an X-mas party, everyone laughed while I was a lost puppy, then transformed into the tortured man, whoopdy-dee, you get the point. Anyway, this time I was chained to a X-mas tree, most of me was attached to the tree by having pine needles stabbed to my back, while I was burning, people gather and sang "O Christmas Tree", then ten minutes later they were all singing and dancing to "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" and "Sleigh Ride", a girl I knew asked the pretty dream girl "wait, why are we doing this?" the pretty girl then says "meh, I'm out of fun ideas, were out of eggnog and I'm too drunk to care". Guess I was too numb to care about my insides being burnt. 

3. Where at a garden party, before prom, I'm at the bathroom fixing my hair, putting more cologne on, only to be kidnapped by these masked guys in white tuxedo's who take me to the dream girl. I say "what the fuck is going on?" she says "oh, you'll find out", she then sedates me. I wake up, only to be drenched in champagne, for some reason everyone is raising their glasses, then throws their drinks at me, dream girl gets a lighter, and the rest is self-explanatory.

Don't you understand? I've been corrupted by the things around me, the real horrors of high-school; they have now haunted my presence wherever I go. And no, to clarify things, I'm not being bullied, everyone has respect for me in my school, I like and respect all my peers, which is weird because a lot of those people I remember, they participated in the act of throwing objects at me in my dreams. Whenever I have this re-occurring nightmare, I wake up wanting to break a mirror/window, smearing the blood from my cuts onto my face, I want to pull my teeth out or gouge my eyes out (to remain blind from all of this) whenever I wake up from this nightmare, or when thinking about all of this during any other time of the day. Usually I don't have the tendency to cry when I have this nightmare, and the impulse to destroy and induce pain to myself only lasts for about 5 minutes, then everything is back to normal. It’s so weird, the effect that nightmares have on people, the fact that my nightmares are merely based on my surroundings, and then my dark conscience gives those surroundings, what I see, what I know, and turns them into the reality I never want to live. But then you think, from what you have seen in your nightmares, when it’s close to your life, you then ask yourself "Am I really this?" I started asking myself "Am I a target for punishment and torture?" "Am I a lost, confused, caged puppy?" I wish I knew the answer, I really do. I guess I can call myself a blood-thirsty animal, and if the demons disguised as people I know try to cage me or laugh at me during a party, I'll jump and have the angry impulse to tear someone’s head off, that's what they get for testing me. 

So I guess it’s now a matter of wondering, why do I feel this way when I shouldn't? I shouldn't because I have a pretty normal life, I'm comfortable with myself, I respect others, people respect me, I have my own life goals and I do my own thing, I try not to conform to things that I'm uncomfortable with, people respect me for that (well, at least most people, some people still question my life choices, interests and values, that's fine, all the better to share).

I guess now it’s a matter of time for me to look into this; the mystery behind my somewhat fucked-up dream. I will use my newly developed skill of controlling my dreams (lucid dreaming) to find what needs to be fixed in my dream-verse to prevent these future nightmares.